Doomscroll

Studio apartment. 300 sq ft. No windows. "Cozy." $3,200/month. Landlord says I should be grateful because it has "character." The character is mold. The mold has more living space than me.

Company said I was "part of a strategic restructuring." Very cool. Love being restructured. My role has been "absorbed" into a team in another timezone. Apparently three people in Dublin are now doing my job. I wish them well. I am going to bed at 2pm on a Wednesday.

A robot wrote an essay better than me in 3 seconds. It doesn't need breaks. It doesn't need food. It doesn't complain. I feel like I've heard this one before.

Boss says we need to come back to the office for "collaboration" and "culture." I have collaborated perfectly fine in my pajamas. My culture is not wearing shoes. I will die on this hill.

Put my savings into a cryptocurrency named after a dog. This is investing. My grandmother doesn't understand because she's "financially literate" and "has a pension." OK boomer.

Working from home. Again. Making sourdough. Again. Is it Tuesday? Thursday? Does it matter? I've worn real pants twice this month. The cat is my only coworker and she's terrible at spreadsheets.

Said I'd stop checking Twitter. Lasted 11 minutes. Opened it "just to check one thing." An hour later I know about a war, a celebrity divorce, and a dog who can skateboard. I have accomplished nothing today.

The Mayan calendar ends today. Either the world is ending or some ancient calendar maker said "eh, that's enough dates" and went to lunch 2,000 years ago. Both equally valid. I'm staying home either way.

There's a new app where you take photos of your food and strangers judge it. I've never felt more alive. Just spent 20 minutes arranging a sandwich. My lunch is cold but it looks INCREDIBLE.

The bank said my house was worth $400K last year. Now they're saying it's worth $180K. The house didn't MOVE. It's the SAME house. What do you mean the economy is made up?

Apple released a phone with no keyboard. No PHYSICAL keyboard. You just... touch the screen? Like an animal? This will never catch on. My Blackberry does everything I need.

Husband's been deployed 8 months. The kids asked if he still lives here. The dog sleeps on his side of the bed now. I sleep on my side. The dog and I have an unspoken agreement. I am in a committed relationship with a labrador and the U.S. government.

I moved Jessica out of my Top 8 and she hasn't spoken to me in a week. We've been friends since kindergarten. Tom would never treat me like this. Tom is my REAL friend.

Bought 400 cans of beans and a generator. Filled the bathtub with water. Told my family I love them. Ready for civilization to end at midnight. If computers can't handle a date change, we're FINISHED.

Connected to the internet today. Took 20 minutes of screaming noises from the telephone. Sent an electronic letter to a man in Delaware. It arrived in 4 hours. The future is here and it sounds like a fax machine dying.

Bought a 3-bedroom house on a single income with no degree. Kids today want to know my "secret." The secret is I was born in 1945. That's it. That's the whole secret.

Neighbor works at NASA. Says they put a man on the moon. Cool. Can they figure out why his dog keeps digging under my fence? Priorities, people.

Practiced hiding under my desk again today in case of nuclear war. I'm sure this thin piece of plywood will protect me from the power of a thousand suns. Very reassuring.

Wife bought a television. Now the kids just SIT there, staring at a box, for HOURS. They won't talk. They won't blink. I tried turning it off and my son looked at me like I'd killed the family dog.

Built 100 identical houses. Sold out in a week. Each one has a yard, a garage, and a 30-year mortgage. Guy asked me which one is his. Brother, I don't know. Pick one. They're the same house.

Stocks only go up. Put my life savings in the market. My barber's in. My shoeshine boy's in. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? This is the greatest economy of all time.

They BANNED alcohol. In AMERICA. Land of the FREE. But sure, I'm the criminal for wanting a beer after work. This will definitely not backfire in any way.

Everyone's panicking about this "Spanish Flu." It's just a cold, people. I went to the parade last week and I'm perfectly f

It is Christmas Day. We stopped fighting and played football with the Germans. Their goalkeeper is incredible. We've been trying to kill each other for five months and Klaus is out here making saves I couldn't manage on a Sunday league pitch. War is hell but Klaus is class.

Boarding the Titanic tomorrow! They say it's UNSINKABLE. Finally, a company that delivers on its promises. This is going to be the best week of my life.

They're saying motorcars will replace horses. MOTORCARS. Those loud, smelly, unreliable boxes on wheels. My horse has never broken down on the side of the road. My horse doesn't need "petrol." My horse is LOYAL.

Two bicycle mechanics say they made a machine that FLIES. For 12 seconds. 12 SECONDS. I can hold my breath longer than that. Call me when it's useful.

Rent is $10 a month for a room I share with 6 people and a family of rats. The rats don't pay rent but they're honestly the best roommates. Quiet. Mind their business.

Bell invented a device that lets people TALK to you in your HOME. Uninvited. At any hour. Who asked for this? At least with a telegram you can pretend you weren't home.

Going to see "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theatre tonight! Heard the President will be there too. Great seats, great show, what could go wrong? So excited!

Children today have no discipline. In my day we worked in the mines from age 6. Now they want "education" and "childhood." What's next, weekends?

Sold everything. Traveled 2,000 miles. The gold is real but so is the dysentery. Everyone here is either a millionaire or dying. Sometimes both. Mostly the second one.

Took the train today. We went THIRTY MILES PER HOUR. That can't be good for you. My doctor says the human body wasn't designed to go that fast. I could feel my soul lagging behind.

A MACHINE is doing my job now. A machine. It doesn't need breaks. It doesn't need food. It doesn't complain. Okay I see why they like it but still. STILL.

The commoners are getting very organized lately. Should I be worried? I'm probably fine. We have a very tall gate.

My son joined a "revolution." A REVOLUTION. I didn't send him to Yale for this. He was supposed to be a lawyer. Now he's dumping tea in the harbor. TEA. Do you know how expensive tea is?

Good news: plague is dying down! Bad news: everything is on fire. EVERYTHING. I just rebuilt my home office. This is fine. This is completely fine.

Working from home because of the plague. Again. Miss the office honestly. These four walls are driving me mad. At least the commute is short.

Husband said we were going to a "New World" for "religious freedom." Didn't mention the part about no houses, no food, and winter in Massachusetts. I could've been religiously free in the Netherlands. With CHEESE.

Pointed my telescope at Jupiter. It has MOONS. Told the church. They said I should maybe stop looking at things. What a time to be alive (for now).

Paid a whole penny to stand in the rain watching a play about a Danish prince who can't make decisions. I could watch my brother-in-law do that for free.

Raising rent on the canal-front properties. Don't like it? Move to Padua. Nobody WANTS to live in Padua but it's affordable. That's how it works.

The Shakespeare kid next door keeps performing soliloquies in the garden at midnight. "To be or not to be" — the ANSWER is to be QUIET, William, some of us have to work in the morning.

The duke replaced me with a younger lute player. YOUNGER. I've been playing for 30 years. This kid has been alive for 17 of them. He doesn't even tune properly. But he's "fresh" and "affordable." I'm going to be sick.

My son says he's "finding himself" through art. He's 23. He's found himself unemployed is what he's found. His father sells perfectly good cloth. We have a BUSINESS.

Nailed my complaints to the church door. Yes, all 95 of them. No, I will not "calm down." No, I will not "take this to DMs."

Pope wants me to paint a ceiling. A CEILING. I'm a SCULPTOR. "But you're so talented." Okay, and a fish can breathe underwater but you don't ask it to climb a tree. My neck is going to be destroyed.

Leonardo asked me to sit for a portrait. "It'll be quick," he said. That was FOUR YEARS AGO. I've been making this face so long I forgot what my real smile looks like.

Day 31. Captain still says we're almost there. He said that on day 12. I'm starting to think he doesn't actually know where we're going. The ocean just keeps... going.

Gutenberg says his "printing press" will change everything. Right. Because what the world really needs is MORE opinions in circulation. As if tavern arguments weren't bad enough.

Has anyone read this new Chaucer thing? The Wife of Bath is basically subtweeting every man in England and I am HERE for it.

Now all the surviving peasants want HIGHER WAGES because "there's fewer of us." That's not how this works. That's not how ANY of this works.

Hot take: maybe we should stop blaming this on bad smells and start looking at the rats. Just a thought. But what do I know, I'm just the guy in the bird mask.

Ships just came in from the East. Sailors don't look great, but the spices smell amazing. Help me unload? Nobody ever wants to help with the ships.

Got drafted into the king's army. Was a turnip farmer last week. Now I'm holding a longbow in France. Nobody taught me to aim. The man next to me is 14. We are not winning this the way the king thinks we are.

The king wants a feast for 300 people by tomorrow. THREE HUNDRED. With what? I have a pig, some turnips, and a prayer. He also wants "something exotic." Sir, this is ENGLAND.

The barons want me to sign a "charter of liberties." 63 clauses long. I'm not reading all that. Someone give me the summary.

The king said "Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?" and now there are four knights in the cathedral. I'm SURE this is a misunderstanding. Right? RIGHT?

Father wants me to study law. Mother wants me to join the clergy. I want to write poetry and travel. We discussed it calmly at dinner. I'm joking. My father threw a bread roll at my head.

Husband says he's going to reclaim the Holy Land. He can't even reclaim the back garden from the weeds. But sure, go conquer Jerusalem. I'll just manage the estate. AGAIN.

My serfs are demanding "better working conditions." They want LUNCH. You work the land, you eat what the land provides. I'm not running a tavern here.

So the world didn't end. Cool. I sold all my possessions. Gave my farm to the church. Told my mother-in-law exactly what I think of her cooking. This is fine.

Beautiful morning at the monastery. Working on illuminated manuscripts. The sea is calm. Wait. Are those... ships? Those aren't trading ships. Oh no. Oh NO.

Lord wants 40% of my harvest. The king wants 10%. The church wants 10%. What am I, a charity? I have seven children and a leaky roof. I AM the one who needs charity.

Everyone at the office is calling in sick. Again. Third week in a row. I know the plague is going around but some of us have DEADLINES.

My upstairs neighbor has been playing the lyre until 3 AM every single night. I asked him to stop and he said he's "an artist." You're a sandal maker, Gaius. You make SANDALS.

We can build roads that last a thousand years but nobody can do anything about this heat. 40 days straight. My toga is soaked through. I'm basically wearing a warm, wet bedsheet in public and calling it fashion.

Chariot traffic on the Via Appia is UNREAL today. Left at dawn, still not at the forum. Some guy's ox cart broke down and he's just standing there. MOVE YOUR OX.

Went to a dinner party. Host served dormouse. AGAIN. I have been to nine dinner parties this year and seven of them served dormouse. We have an empire spanning three continents. Show some range.

Vesuvius is doing a thing again. Probably fine. It always rumbles. Anyway who's coming to the bathhouse later? Marcus is bringing garum.

Tax collector came by AGAIN. That's the third time this month. What exactly am I funding? Another aqueduct? We have ELEVEN aqueducts. How much water do you people need?

Going to the Senate today. Good vibes only. ✨

Just saw an army with ELEPHANTS crossing the mountains. Through MY pasture. Nobody asked. Nobody offered compensation. Just elephants everywhere.

My student Alexander says he wants to conquer the entire known world. I told him to maybe start with a book report. Kids, man.

They want me to drink WHAT

Husband left for Thermopylae. Told him to come back with his shield or on it. He laughed. I wasn't joking. I've been running this household alone for 6 months. If he loses that shield I'm not buying another one.

Rent in Athens is absolutely out of control. 2 drachmas for a one-room place near the Agora? I make POTTERY. I'm considering moving to Sparta. At least there you just sleep on the ground for free.

Mercury is in retrograde. Everything is going wrong. My chariot broke, my wife is upset, and the barley harvest is late. But sure, it's just "superstition." Tell that to my barley.

My son says he wants to be a professional athlete. A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. I didn't cultivate 200 olive trees for this. Who's going to take over the farm? The olives?

Kids these days can't even read hieroglyphics properly. They just use that simplified demotic script. We're losing our culture.

Boss says we need to make the same number of bricks but now we have to find our own straw. No raise. No straw. Same quota. Corporate has really outdone itself this quarter.

Just published 282 laws. Yes I read all of them. Yes they're all necessary. No you can't just "vibe" your way through property disputes.

Paid for fine quality copper. Received garbage. GARBAGE. I sent my servant across enemy territory for THIS? Ea-nasir, if you're reading this, you know what you did.

They're building ANOTHER pyramid next door. Do you know what that does to property values? Three years of constant hammering. I can't even hear my goats.